


Different Equipment

by T_Mina



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alien Biology, Awkward Conversations, Bones POV, Double Entendre, Gen, I imagine this as pre-slash, James T. Kirk is a Little Shit, Leonard "Bones" McCoy is So Done, Poor Bones, The Alien Sex Talk, but like you really can't tell oops, discussions about sex, i love that that's a tag, no beta we die like men, puns, the jokes go over Spock's head, this is silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23677927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/T_Mina/pseuds/T_Mina
Summary: Leonard McCoy is interested in the... shall we say... mechanics of interspecies relations. Of course, he asks Jim.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	Different Equipment

**Author's Note:**

> This is firmly AOS in terms of characterization. AOS Jim is just.... very different than TOS Jim.

Leonard McCoy hated himself already for the question he was about to ask. His Starfleet Academy roommate’s frequent and highly varied sexual exploits really were none of his concern. But the kid had done _everything_. Men. Women. Aliens. _So many aliens._ And Leonard was more than a little curious about the… shall we say, _mechanics_.

“Jim, I know I’m going to regret asking this,” Leonard prefaced to his roommate, who was sprawled across his bed on the other side of their shared dorm room, scrolling through some files on his PADD. “But I’ve gotta know. How do you do it?”

Jim looked up from the transparent slate in his hands. “Do what?”

“Take aliens to bed without… you know…” Leonard, standing beside his roommate’s bed, made a roundabout gesture with his hands, “…talking about it first?”

Jim’s eyebrows knit together like he was trying to puzzle something out. Then he sat up straighter on his bed. “You mean talking about what kind of parts they have _down there_?” He pointed.

He _pointed._ And Leonard was about to lose it. _Goddammit Jim, you didn’t have to—_

Leonard pinched the bridge of his nose. “Yes, Jim that’s exactly what I mean,” he said as levelly as possible.

Jim shrugged. “Well I mean, it’s considered kind of _rude_ to talk about those sorts of things in public. And once we’re in private it’s not that hard to figure out. Some aliens might have different equipment— _very different equipment_ —but it all more or less operates on the same principle,” he explained, as if that should be obvious. “So with enough quick thinking and improvisation, I manage just fine.”

Leonard squinted skeptically at his crazy roommate. “You’re telling me you’ve never accidentally tried to bugger someone in the nose?”

Jim laughed heartily at the idea. Laughs that sent him pitching back and forth over his regulation duvet. “Nah, humanoids are all set up mostly the same. It’s not like I’m out there banging the _horta_.”

Leonard winced at the awful image _that_ produced in his head. That was _so_ not necessary. But the kid had a point.

“Fair,” Leonard conceded. “Alright, that answers my question.”

Jim smiled up at him from where he sat. “Do you regret asking it?”

Leonard sighed and shook his head in disbelief. “Surprisingly, not as much as I thought I would.”

…

Of course, given Leonard’s luck that one awkward conversation couldn’t be the end of it. The topic came up later, at the most unexpected of times. When he, Jim and Spock had to steal a small Klingon scout ship to escape imprisonment. And when Jim had to pilot the thing, because no one else could do it.

“How are you able to operate this ship, Captain?” Spock asked, once they and their stolen ship were safely beyond the scanner range of the Klingon prison planet.

Jim, sitting in the pilot’s chair with his hands on the alien controls, smirked deviously. And Leonard, sitting in one of the passenger seats, rolled his eyes and groaned. He could already tell where this was going.

“Well,” Jim said, still beaming like an idiot, “if there’s one thing I’ve learned from all my adventures, Spock, it’s that, even if the equipment is different, it all has more or less the same purpose. You just have to experiment a little, until you find what works.”

“Now wait a minute, Jim,” Leonard grumbled, leaning forward in his seat so that he could stare his idiot friend in the eyes. “You’re talking about your _bedroom_ adventures, aren’t you?”

Jim’s smile grew even wider. “The very same.”

Leonard groaned. “You’re saying that being Starfleet’s most accomplished _man-whore_ is the reason you can fly this ship?” He sank back into his chair, looked up at the ceiling as if begging the gods to kill him now, and sighed. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Nope.” Jim’s smile was unwavering. “Like I said, different equipment, same principle.”

“God, I hope you _crash_ ,” Leonard moaned.

Spock—the goddamn oblivious alien—raised a single black eyebrow toward him, and said in a cool, monotone, “That would be a most undesirable outcome.”

“You too, Spock,” Leonard retorted. He was so _done_ with the both of them.


End file.
